Torn....

 I lost my Granny last May to lung cancer, it was devastating to my whole family and especially me. My Grandpa moved to Florida and built a house in my neighborhood so we could be close. I promised my Granny that I would look out for him and be there when he needed me. My Grandpa is a 75 yr old Vietnam Veteran and retired Army Airborne. He is still very active, works out everyday, and makes multiple trips to Wal-Mart and Lowes on his Honda Goldwing trike. I was overjoyed that he was so positive about me having my WLS. He and Granny watched me struggle with my weight for so many years and know how hard I have tried to get it under control.

 The day of my pre-op testing he went in to have his throat stretched. He had throat cancer years ago and the scar tissue was building up making it difficult for him to swallow and talk. While they were in there they noticed a growth and removed it. Turns out his cancer is back and he has to have radiation for 6 weeks. His radiation begins on the day of my surgery and now I don't if I should go through with my surgery as planned or put it off for a while.

I talked with him last night and told him I wanted to be with him every step of the way. I have no problem putting off the surgery while he goes through this. He held my hand and looked me in the eye and said that the doctor's told him they were 90% sure that the radiation would work and get rid of the cancer and he said he would take those odds. He told me he does not want me to put off my surgery, that he wants me to do it more now than ever. He already made arrangements with a buddy of his to take him to his treatments. I felt horrible and told him no that I would go with him. My Grandpa said that radiation is no big deal and he would stop by after every treatment and let me know what happened.

I just feel so guilty and torn..... it sucks.

Pre-Op Diet Blues......

It is day 5 of my pre-op diet and I am one cranky and irritable "B". I am usually a happy, laid back gal, but this fast has brought out the worst in me. People said it would get better, but I am not buying it!  The headaches passed but the tiredness and hunger pangs haven't subsided.

I spend my day sipping protein shakes, broth, and water.( If I have to drink one more cup of broth I will snap!) I never thought I would have an issue making sure I am getting enough calories. Yet here I am adding everything I consume to make sure I am taking in the right amount of calories so my body doesn't go into starvation mode. It is more difficult than you would think.

 

My fiancé "Wattz"  has been buying  ready made dinners at the supermarket for him and the kiddos to eat since I am on strike from cooking during this fast. I can't tell you how hard it is not to be able to sit at the dinner table with your family during meals. My thirteen year old son said he feels guilty eating knowing that I cannot. I only have 10 more days until my surgery and after that all this will just be a distant memory. I keep telling myself to "Just Keep Swimming".

Funny Story

So today was day 2 of my pre-op all liquid diet and I had a family function to attend. I was excited to see my extended family, but I wasn't excited to be around all the food that was going to be there. I packed a protein shake and several water bottles to get me through the day. It was hard to see everyone eating while I sat there sipping on water, but I acted like it was no big deal. In my head I imagined myself pushing down my aunt so I could get to the mojo pork that was simmering in the slow cooker and eat it like a caveman. But I shook it off and walked outside and sat in the smokers circle and chatted for a bit. My Mom asked me what all I could have pre-op and I told her 3-4 8oz protein shakes and water. It turned out to be a nice day and I enjoyed spending time with everyone.

By the time I left I was tired and hangry (so hungry you are angry) I just wanted to go home and curl into a ball . When I  did get home I decided to look over some of the paperwork from my surgeons office which I had only previously skimmed over. I got to the pre-op diet part and it said how to make the shakes and how much water to drink and that's about the point where I normally quit reading. I was ready to put it down when I noticed a sentence in small text at the very bottom of the page that read "You may have crystal light, beef, chicken, or vegetable broth" I did a double take. How in the hell did I miss that?

I felt like it was Christmas and I just unwrapped that Barbie Dream House I always wanted. I quickly grabbed my keys, yelled out to Wattz to watch the kids, and I was out the door. I was overjoyed to be able to drink something other than water and protein shakes. I drove to Publix with the biggest smile on my face and walked in grabbed a basket and sprinted straight towards the soup aisle. I happily waited in the check out line with my goodies. I had a nice little chit chat with the cashier while I checked out.

It wasn't until I got home and unpacked everything when I noticed that in my excited state before I left the house that I had forgotten a very important item.....MY BRA!!! I am a DDD, so the first thing I do when I get home is rip off my bra and let my girls breathe. I can't believe that I walked out my front door and into a super market with no bra. I walked around the store with a smile on my face not realizing there was a little more bounce to my walk. I of course found this hilarious and text my best friend Cherokee to tell her about my little escapade. At least I ended the day with a good laugh!

Dear Food,.. It's Me Frenchie

Food to me is like a terrible ex-boyfriend who always finds a way back into your life.

My relationship with food has been an ongoing affair of sorts. He kept me company when I was alone, he was there when I was sad or happy for that matter, we loved spending the holidays together. I am a food addict, I love buying food,cooking it and eating it. I tried so many times to leave him but he always was there waiting for some sort of emotional turmoil to re-enter my life.
 
I knew that  I had to cut ties with food since I would be starting my two week pre-op all liquid diet. So I decided that  I would have a food funeral. It may not have been the best choice going into a strict diet but it was for me. So my fiancé Wattz and I went out to dinner for one last big feast. It was an amazing night we went to Outback and I had steak, crab legs, caesar salad, and a baked potato. I also had a few tequila sunrises and a shot or two of Patron.

Later when we got home I felt guilty for indulging. When I finally had a few minutes to myself  I started to re-evaluate my relationship with food. I  realized I don’t need food to feel happy, but I do need food to live. I felt relief before going to bed like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Food and I would now have a new understanding that I only would eat healthy and I would control it and it would no longer control me. So onward I go into a new and healthier me!

Battle of the Bulge...

I always hated that term, but I guess it is accurate. I have been struggling with my weight since high school, my Mom even took me to a weight loss clinic when I was 16. The doctor gave me some phentermine pills and gave me a meal plan which was the famous “Military Diet”.  I went back to that doctor countless times throughout my adult life. As I got older I became more educated about the long term effects of those pills and then tried every other fad diet out there. I had some weight loss successes but they were far and few between and never were long lasting. I always felt like a failure because I could never stick with these diets for long. 

 I lost 50 lbs in 2011 and shortly thereafter got pregnant with baby number 2. I gained 60lbs during the pregnancy and only lost 40 of it. I am the heaviest I have ever been  and just can’t seem to get this weight off. I am 36 and right now besides being overweight and having sore knees and some back pain I have no other medical conditions. I know that if I don’t take charge of my weight now, that in a few years I could have serious weight related medical issues and I don’t want that to happen.If you would have asked me a year ago or any other time before this, if I would consider weight loss surgery.  I would have told you Hell to the NO!  I am not sure the exact moment when I changed my mind to start considering it. But I will tell you what, now I cannot get it off my mind!  I decided along with my wonderful and supportive fiancé that WLS was for me.  

At first I was dead set on having the Lap-Band surgery. I thought it was safer and would work for me and I was scared about having parts of me cut out and having staples left in me forever. But after going to the free seminar at my surgeon’s office and hearing all the pros and cons of all the different types of WLS, not only from the doctor but also from WLS patients I decided that the Gastric Sleeve would be the best choice for me. I went to see the surgeon last week and since I am a self-pay patient and don’t have to go through all the insurance requirements. I was able to schedule my surgery after having a few tests done and a psychological evaluation.

 My surgery is scheduled for Friday, April 4^th which is only 2 weeks away. I am so excited to start this journey and  am using this blog to hold my self accountable and will post about everything that I experience the good, the bad, and the ugly.